How to hack your introvert brain to overcome your social anxiety and stop losing sleep over embarrassing moments.

Introverts are deeper thinkers.

In a study, scientists analyzed the brain activity of introverts and extroverts. They discovered the amygdala of introverts are more easily exited. This makes introverts better observers and analyzers. When asked to find the exact match to an image from 6 options, introverted kids succeeded more often than extroverted ones.

As a result, Introverts are often over-analyzers.

This makes sense when you think about it.

Extraverts have less social anxiety because they're less aware of the people around them. They’re not thinking a lot about what others think of them. Introverts have more social anxiety because they are much more aware of the people around them. 

They think a lot more about what others think of them.

Most advice I hear tells introverts to act more extroverted.

To stop thinking about what others think of them, to dance like nobody’s watching. But you can’t just switch off your amygdala, nor would you want to. It also gives you the ability to pick up on people's emotions and form deeper connections. It's why introverts are more likely to have a few deeper friends instead of a lot of shallow friends.

By recommending you be more extraverted, they're throwing the baby out with the bath water.

Instead, we need to learn to work with our introverted nature instead of against it.

How to overcome your social anxiety by working with your introverted brain instead of against it.

I remember many nights lying awake replaying embarrassing moments in my mind.

My over-analytical brain would turn these moments over in my head. 

I tried to just not overthink it like an extravert might, but I couldn’t.

What eventually worked was switching my thinking from egocentric (making it about me) to allocentric (making it about them).

One night, instead of thinking about my embarrassing moments I diverted my mind and tried thinking of other people's embarrassing moments. 

Try it. Try thinking of something embarrassing someone else has done. You can’t. (Or if you did you haven’t thought about it until this moment.)

This meant one of two things.

1. If you can’t think of anyone else's embarrassing moments it means others aren’t thinking aren’t thinking of yours.

OR

2. YOU'RE THE ONLY EMBARRASSING PERSON IN THE WHOLE WORLD AND EVERYONE IS THINKING ABOUT HOW MUCH OF A WEIRDO YOU ARE!!!

The second is unlikely so I stopped losing sleep.

Where extroverts are much less aware of embarrassing themselves, we introverts are too aware.

It's our nature to analyze things more deeply. But the mistake we introverts make is making it all about us.

• If you embarrassed yourself you assume everyone is thinking about how embarrassing you are.

• If someone isn’t receptive to your introduction you assume it’s because they don’t like you.

• If someone doesn’t laugh at your joke you assume they are thinking about how weird you are.

• If someone doesn’t come to your invite you assume it’s because they don’t like spending time with you.

The source of our social anxiety is egocentric thinking. 

We assume they are thinking about us all the time.  In reality, people aren’t thinking about you nearly as much as you think. They're too busy worrying about their own problems and what others think of them.

The cure isn’t to dull our analytical nature like an extravert. 

Instead, we need to work WITH our analytical nature.

The cure to introverted social anxiety is to divert your analytical tendencies from ego-centric thinking (making it about you) to allocentric thinking (making it about them).

Instead of analyzing why what they did a sign they don’t like you. Analyze the hundreds of other possible reasons they reacted the way they did and put it to rest.

Once you start thinking this way your anxiety begins to fade.

You stop worrying about what others think of you because you're too busy thinking about how little they actually do.

Want some further reading? Read these to go from quiet to confident conversationalist:

• 📢 How to make a killer first impression

• 📢 If you think you're boring read this

• 📢 How to start a conversation with anyone

• 📢 Never run out of things to say ever again

• 📢 How to have deeper conversations

P.S. If you have any feedback you think would make this newsletter better I’m all ears! Just reply to this email and send me your ideas. Don’t hold back, I can take it.