3 powerful steps to getting on-the-spot confidence when you feel shy (without being fake)

As I got better at socializing I noticed something strange.

I would go out I was usually shy and reserved but sometimes I would feel uncharacteristically confident. I was more outgoing, my jokes were landing, I never ran out of things to say and people were giving me their attention.

But as fast as it came it dissipated the next day.

It frustrated me.

I felt like my confidence was a coin flip, something out of my control. I prayed it would show up before I had to give a presentation or before a date but nothing. Then at my cousin's birthday party, I felt on top of the world. 

I wanted to channel this at will but I had no idea how.

I began to study my behavior leading up to my bursting confidence. I looked to see if anyone else had similar experiences.

After using myself as a test subject paired with hours of psychology research I’ve developed a method for calling upon confidence in the moment. Deep-rooted confidence is something you build over a long time you can use these tactics to get a boost of confidence whenever you need it.

Use these to prime yourself for social success, quiet the anxious voices, and feel more comfortable around people.

Step 1: Visualize success (Because you’re already visualizing failure)

Maybe you’ve heard of visualization and we’re skeptical.

If you’re anything like I was you see visualization as a bunch of hippy superstition invented by forest dwellers obsessed with their star sign. I thought it was a bunch of baloney. 

Until I had someone explain it to me in layman’s terms.

Visualization is planning to succeed.

It combats our natural tendency to think of all the ways a situation could go bad. Thinking about the worst outcome is like planning to fail. If failure is what is top of mind as you enter a situation you’re actions are likely to reflect it. 

The same goes for having success feel top of mind.

But how do you best visualize success?

1. Take a moment before meeting up with people (in the car, before you go in, as you’re walking up, before you leave the house) 

2. Visualize the interaction with vivid images. The more real it feels the better prepared you’ll feel for the real thing. (imagine what it looks like, the sounds, the smell)

3. Visualize the interaction going well despite some obstacles. Don’t imagine everything going perfectly. Picture some obstacles (rude people, awkward silences etc…) and picture how you’d best handle them.

By doing this you go in feeling more prepared than if all you did was think about how poorly it could go.

Step 2: Build Social Momentum

Let's kidnap the most charismatic person you know.

Under the cover of night, we sneak into their house as they’re sleeping. We kidnap them, wake them up, and immediately thrust them out on stage to give a speech. They’d be caught off guard, disoriented, and confused. How well do you think they would do? 

Terribly!

Not because they lack the skills but because there was no build-up, no preparation.

The same goes for if you go from sitting in your quiet car to walking into a party. It takes time to build up social momentum, some more than others. Ever gone out with friends and felt reserved but as the night is ending you finally feel like you’re confident? It took you all evening to build up enough social momentum to feel confident.

We want to build it faster.

The best way is to have some micro-interaction before jumping into the main event.

• Talk to the barista as you're getting your coffee on the way to work

• Ask about the security guard or greeters day.

• Complement someone's clothes as you walk past them.

I will park further away from my destination on purpose to increase my chances of having these micro-interactions.

They prime me to go in feeling confident and ready to talk. It's like the pregame warm-up sports teams will do before playing the game.

If you’re in the middle of a social event you can also ramp yourself up with some micro interaction. Again, compliment someone you pass by, and go say hi to the friends you haven’t talked to. 

You just need to reach your escape velocity and you’ll find socializing is smooth sailing from there.

Step 3: Act confident (even if you don’t feel confident)

We tend to think acting confident is the result of feeling confident, but the opposite is also true.

By acting confident we can make ourselves feel confident. When your actions don’t match how you feel, your feelings change to match your actions.

But I can already hear you.

You’re telling us to “fake it till you make it”. But I dislike the language “fake it”, it's untruthful. There is nothing “fake” about acting against your emotions. Just because I feel angry doesn’t mean I act out in anger. Just because I feel scared doesn’t mean I run away. Courage is feeling the fear and doing it anyway.

There is nothing fake about acting confident, even if you don’t feel it.

What does acting confident look like?

It means having open body language. Here’s a quick guide:

• Walk with your eyes on the horizon. Roll your shoulders back in a circular motion twice to fix your posture. Keep your arms swaying at your side (never walk with your hands in your pockets)

• Stand with your legs solder width apart, and put your hands in your pocket with your thumb sticking out. When you talk use hand motion.

• When you sit don’t be afraid to take up space. Spread your legs, lean back, and extend your arm across the armrests or the back of the chairs beside you.

• When looking around a room keep your eyes at eye level and make eye contact with people.

It also means taking bold actions

• Go introduce yourself to someone new.

• Tell a joke you don’t know will land.

• Go dance if there is a dance floor. 

After a while, your feelings begin to match your actions and you feel more confident.

I remember being at a party and feeling super intimidated, I knew 1 person but he was busy with his other friends. I decided to try and dance, started slow but then I got into it. Afterwards, it was night and day, I was suddenly way more comfortable and confident.

Final thought:

I hate to break it to ya but there is no foolproof plan.

Sometimes, no matter what you do, the social energy never comes. As an introvert, I still get I’m peopled out after some time. THAT’S OK. Go find your good friends and hang with them as the night comes to a close. Or maybe it's time to go home. Don’t feel obligated by me or anyone else to always be socializing.

You’ll have your moment again in the future. For now, let other people have theirs.

Want some further reading. Read these to go from quiet to confident conversationalist:

• 📢 How to make a killer first impression

• 📢 If you think you're boring read this

• 📢 How to start a conversation with anyone

• 📢 Never run out of things to say ever again

• 📢 How to have deeper conversations

P.S. While these strategies can help you feel confident in the moment you’ll also want to focus on developing real deep-rooted confidence. Check out 📢How to be confident without being fake