How to Build Rock-Solid Confidence without Being Fake.

Back in high school, when I thought about confidence I thought about my class bully.

He was cocky, brash and never took no for an answer. I thought confidence and being a jerk came hand in hand.

My beliefs began to change when I heard a talk by psychologist and bestselling author Jordan Peterson.

As I listened I heard him repeat one thing more than anything else:

“Tell the truth or at least don’t lie”

I didn't realize it, but this set me on my path to discovering true confidence.

How?

First, we need to understand:

Where does real confidence come from?

First, confidence is domain-specific.

You can be confident you’ll pass your test while lacking confidence in public speaking.

Nobody is confident in everything.

Second, The foundation of confidence is proof.

Being confident you will pass the test stems from all your studying. You lack confidence in public speaking because you haven’t done much public speaking.

Proof builds confidence.

But some people seem to be confident in every aspect of life. What we call a “confident person” is someone with strong self-confidence.

Self-confidence is the belief that no matter what happens you will be okay.

With it, you can approach any situation without fearing failure or rejection.

It doesn’t mean being confident you will ace the test. It’s knowing you will handle the situation no matter the test results.

But if the foundation of confidence is proof, where is the proof we will be okay?

Every time you face reality and survive you prove to yourself you can handle reality. The more you face reality the higher your stack proof showing you will be ok no matter the circumstance

We face reality by being honest.

Lying is the opposite.

Every time we lie we tell ourselves “I need to protect myself with lies because I can’t handle reality”. You reinforce the belief you won’t be ok and kill your self-confidence.

This is why telling the truth is important and why Jordan Peterson's words were stuck in my mind.

At first, I considered myself a truthful person.

I didn't spread false rumours or come up with fabricated stories. But Petersons' words itched at the back of my mind.

The more I analyzed my actions the more I realized how dishonest I was. It was normal for me to exaggerate my accomplishments and hide my mistakes. I portrayed a false version of myself because I believed people couldn’t love me for who I was.

I believed If I faced reality I wouldn’t be ok.

But the person I lied to the most, was myself.

I would say I valued something but act against it later. I'd boast about my independence while pursuing a job I thought would make others happy. I told myself I didn't want new friendships. In reality, I was too scared to introduce myself.

I wasn't who I said I was.

Whether I liked it or not I had a lot in common with one of the most famous liars: Robert Hanssen.

His story shows where living a lie can lead.

Living a lie and the worst intelligence disaster in U.S. history

During the Cold War, Robert Hanssen was a high-ranking FBI agent, a devout family man, and involved in the church.

There was one problem…

He was also a Russian spy.

For 22 years, Henssan passed on classified information to Russia. He made tons of money but living a lie took a toll on him. Over the years, people described him as increasingly stressed, and alienating. 

He had so much inner turmoil he was relieved when caught.

In 2001, The FBI caught Hanssen red-handed. Instead of resisting, he said: “What took you so long?”

He was happy he didn’t have to live a lie anymore. 

But living a lie took a toll on him. As he confronted his crimes Henssan expressed immense regret. In prison, he entered a state of psychological distress. He spent the rest of his life behind bars. 

Lies, even small ones, eat away at a person. 

Every lie you tell is a layer of armour you add to protect yourself against reality. Soon you look at the armour you built and conclude reality is too much for you to handle.

Every lie you tell chips away at self-confidence.

Taken too far you end up like Robert Henssen dying full of regret and distress. 

Realizing the importance of honesty, I began changing my behaviour. 

As I did I discovered:

The 3 levels of Honesty.

1. Honest Communication

This is about not lying to others. Lying is anything less than the truth. Half-truths are lies, white lies are lies, and exaggerated truths are lies. Even hiding the truth by saying nothing is a lie. 

To start, I stopped hiding my mistake. To my surprise, people appreciated my honesty more than they disliked my mistakes.

I stopped exaggerating my accomplishments and felt much more comfortable in social situations. I wasn’t worried about being “found out”.

2. Honest Action

This is about not lying to yourself.

You lie to yourself every time we act against our values. Every time we do something we know is wrong we come up with some reason why it's okay “this time”.

But most of the lies we tell ourselves keep us from taking action.

Here is a list of common lies we tell ourselves and the truths behind them:

If you know you will be ok you don’t need to fear rejection or failure.

3. Honest Living

This is about living a life aligned with your values.

How well does your lifestyle align with your values? Your job, family life, how you spend your free time, what you eat etc...

I realized I was pursuing a job I had no interest in to make other people happy. I made changes to pursue goals aligned with my values. I faced reality, becoming more confident.

Honesty is the essence of confidence.

Confidence isn’t about being cocky or boastful. It's about living by your values. As a bi-product, you build a deep-seated belief that no matter what happens you will be ok.

With this, you can do what you want without the fear of rejection or the fear of failure. The world becomes your playground. 

The more honest you are the more self-confident you become.

P.S. Please be honest with your feedback. Don’t hold anything back, I’m trying to improve.