How to turn enemies into friends, make people like you more and build stronger bonds using this 200-year-old technique.

Early in his career, Benjamin Franklin, Founding Father of the United States, had a problem.

At the time he was a humble clerk in Pennsylvania’s general assembly. Franklin got the role without any opposition. But one year, one man ran against him, making it clear he disliked Franklin. 

Although he had still won the election, he worried this rivalry would become a bigger problem.

So Franklin looked for a way to change his rival's opinion of him.

Most would try to buy friendship through gifts, but not Franklin. He did the opposite. He asked his rival to lend him a rare book in his collection as a favour. A week later, Franklin sent it back with an enthusiastic thank-you note.

The next time they met his rival spoke to him, a first, and was even friendly. They became friends, supporting each other until his former rivals death. 

By asking for a favor Franklin had ended the bitterness between them and made a new friend.

As he explains in his autobiography: 

To us simple folk it means:

When someone does you a favour they walk away liking you more than before.

Ben Franklin theorized this over 200 years ago.

But it wasn’t until the 1960s that psychologists found this to be true.

In a study by David Landy and John Jeker, participants won money playing games organized by a researcher. After they were done:

• One group kept their winnings.

• One group was given the option to donate their winning to the psychology department

• One group was asked by the researcher if they would give HIM the money to help fund his research.

After they left they were asked how much they liked the researcher. The participants who gave him their money liked him more than anyone in any other group. (Despite the researcher treating everyone with the same cold attitude.)

By being generous to the researcher they walked away liking him more.

We tend to think we act with generosity towards the people we like.

But it’s more accurate to say we like the people we act with generosity towards. When someone who dislikes/is indifferent to you does you a favour it creates a mismatch between how they treat you and how they feel about you. 

Since past actions can’t be changed, they adjust how they feel to match how they treated you. 

They tell themselves “I did a favour for him, I must like him.”

But you don’t need to feel like a sleazy manipulator doing this. Asking favours of people is actually doing them a favour.

The crazy health benefits of being generous.

We think asking for a favour makes you an inconvenience, a bother.

But in reality, letting people be generous improves their physical and mental health.

In a study, scientists took 73 people over the age of 65 diagnosed with high blood pressure. Each was given 3 payments of $40 over 6 weeks. Half were told to spend it on themselves, the other half was told to spend it on other people. 

Those who spent it on themselves saw no health improvements. But those who spent it on others saw a significant drop in blood pressure. It was as if they had started eating a healthy diet, did regular exercise or took medication.

Huge health benefits from simply giving to others.

Generosity is also linked to lower stress levels. Some studies even suggest it reduces the speed of cellular ageing. Crazy!

Plus the psychological benefits are great. Generous people have more life satisfaction and find more meaning in life.

Giving someone the chance to be generous literally helps them live longer, happier lives.

This is what we call “The Gift of Giving”

The gift of giving should relieve your fear of asking for assistance. Provided the requests are respectful, many people will be happy to help. HAPPY to help, as in, helping make them happy. 

There is nothing bothersome about making others happy.

How to ask for a favour that makes people like you.

There is a delicate art to ask for favours.

1. Take the pressure off saying NO

When making a request you need to be sensitive to how you may be creating an inconvenience. You need to communicate you would accept a refusal without any offence being taken. 

Take the pressure off saying No to you by prefacing it with “You can say no, but I was wondering…”

2. Properly thank them for helping you

You NEED to thank them for the favour because otherwise, the person will feel used. For big asks, do more than just a lazy “thanks”. 

Tell them you appreciate them and why what they did for you matters:

“Hey I appreciate you driving me, I wouldn’t have made it if it wasn’t for you”

“Thank you for helping me with that assignment, I wouldn’t have been able to finish it on time without your help”

“Thanks for hosting dinner, I always love hanging out with you guys”

What to ask for to get the best results

I hope I’ve convinced you to start asking for more favours.

I’m not only talking about situational favours like asking for a pen or asking someone to help you carry something. I mean actually look for things you can ask of people. 

Here are some good favours to ask:

• Ask for a book recommendation and ask if you can borrow it.

• Ask if you can come over for dinner. (I did this and the host thanked ME for inviting myself)

• Ask if they can introduce you to someone. (At a party where you don't know anyone, ask the host to introduce you to someone they think you would get along with)

• Ask if they can help organize an event.

There are zero downsides to asking politely and you’ll find people are a lot more generous than you think. (Literally, studies show people are on average 2 times more generous than we give them credit).

Similar to The Liking Gap.

Even if they say no they will feel good about themselves because you came to THEM. 

When you make people feel good about themselves they will feel good about you.

The TL;DR

• Ask for more favours because when someone does you a favour they walk away liking you more than before.

• Don't feel bad about asking for favours because it’s actually good for their health and makes them feel better about themselves.

• When asking, make sure to take the pressure off the No by starting with "You can say no but..." and always thank them properly.

• Don't just ask for situational favours look for ways to ask things of others.

If you’re worried about what people think of you click one of these”

• 📢 People might like you a lot more than you think

• 📢 Pull an UNO reverse on your social anxiety

• 📢 If you think you're boring read this

• 📢Here's what everyone actually thinks about you.

P.S. Announcing to the world that you’re going to do something makes it more likely you will do it. Reply to this email with what favour you’re going to ask of someone.