Why people dislike you less then you think.

You might be the most unlikable, boring, ugly jerk out there.

But probably not.

In fact, people like you a lot more than you think.

Tell me if you can relate.

You start talking with someone new and you find yourself enjoying their company. The conversation is flowing, it's interesting, and you even share a laugh or two. When it's time to leave you shake their hand, say it was nice meeting you and... never see them again. You wanted to connect and meet up later but you don’t even try? Why?

Because you tell yourself they didn’t enjoy themselves as much as you.

You tell yourself:

• I talked too much

• I talked too little

• I came off as eager

• I was boring to talk to.

• They were just being polite

• They wouldn’t want to be friends with me

There are 101 reasons why other people wouldn't like you, but you're probably wrong.

The Liking Gap

A 2018 experiment by the Association for Psychological Science studied how good we are at determining how much other people like us.

Turns out, we're terrible at it.

In the study, pairs of participants were prompted to talk and get to know each other. After, each person filled out a questionnaire. They were asked to rate how much they liked to other person and how much they thought the other person liked them.

To be specific, they were asked:

• How much they liked the other person.

• How interested they were in getting to know the other person.

• How much they would like to see the other person again.

• How much they wanted to be friends with the other person.

The second set of questions asked:

• How much they thought the other person liked them.

• How much they thought the other person was interested in getting to know them.

• How much they thought the other person would want to see them again.

• How much they thought the other person wanted to be their friend.

What they found was interesting

Nearly everyone underestimated how much the other person liked them across all categories. People who feel disliked are usually well-liked by the other person. We have a bias to assume people dislike us more than they do.

Scientists called this phenomenon “The Liking Gap”.

Here is a quote from two participants talking about each other.

But here’s where it gets even better.

Before the study participants took a personality test and were ranked from “Very Shy” to “Not Shy”. The people who underestimated how much people liked them the most were the very shy people.

The Shyer you are the more likely you are to feel disliked when the opposite is true.

For us shy introverts this is HUGE.

It means we massively underestimate how much people like us, enjoy our company, want to spend time with us, and want to be our friends. The same holds up as the conversations got longer and even among people who’d known each other for years.

It makes sense.

People aren’t prowling around looking for people to dislike. People want to like other people. The person you just met wants to like you. They will often give you the benefit of the doubt. But we don’t give ourselves the same benefit. 

Countless relationships never begin because both people think “They probably don’t like me”. 

Amazing relationships are probably passing you by, right under your nose.

Recognizing your bias can become comforting.

Knowing people like you more than you think can give you courage. Courage to make the ask, connect with the person, and make plans. 

People are much more willing than you to give them credit.

If you want to go deeper click here to find out 📢What everyone actually thinks about you.

P.S. Today’s newsletter is a bit shorter than usual. Rate today’s issue and tell me if you like the length or want longer posts.