3 Steps to pulling the Ultimate UNO Reverse on your Social Anxiety.

The movie Oppenheimer puts to screen one of the most important meetings in history.

It's 1942, and WW2 is raging across Europe. J Robert Oppenheimer meets with Colonel Groves. He's looking for someone to lead the creation of the first nuclear bomb. It's one of the most important positions in the country and Groves has many candidates.

The competition is fierce, some even have Nobel prizes.

But Oppenheimer doesn't care.

Where most try to impress Groves with their resume, Oppenheimer pulls a UNO reverse. Instead of convincing Groves he’s a good fit for the position, he tries to figure out if the position is a good fit for him.

He assumes he’s got the job and interviews Groves to see if it meets his standards.

Here’s an exert from the interview:

Oppenheimer knows the value he brings to the table. 

He’s not concerned with being accepted. He knows he can get a good job elsewhere. He’s trying to figure out if he wants the job. If they reject him, their loss.

Groves hires him on the spot.

This scene is loosely based on real events but the lesson stands true.

Instead of thinking "Will they like me?" think "Will I like them?"

Instead of thinking “I hope they think I’m cool”, think “I wonder if they are cool?

This is the ultimate UNO reverse you can pull on your social anxiety.

Easier said than done. But let's give it a try.

Step 1: Recognize the value you offer

First, you need to foster the belief you are someone worth entering a relationship with. Ask yourself:

Can I be a net positive in the life of those around me?

• Can I listen to people and try to understand them?

• Can I make people laugh?

• Can I be an encouragement to people?

• Can I be honest with people? 

• Can I explore topics with others through discussion and help them grow? 

• Are you willing to support others when they need help? 

If you can answer yes to 1 or more of these then being in a relationship with you is like a prize. It's something people can be thankful for. If not, you need to do some work on yourself.

Notice what’s missing?

None of these are about being interesting, successful or attractive. These are superficial characteristics. They might attract some but they're not what makes valuable people stay. Nothing is stopping you from doing the things above now.

If you want to go more in-depth check out my post: 📢 If you think you're boring read this

Once you believe you're worth getting to know you can see yourself as the prize.

Imagine walking around a hospital with a magical cure for every disease. You wouldn’t be afraid of rejection, you’d be excited to offer them what you have. If people refuse your offer you'd be sad for them, their missing out. You might not be magic medicine, but like a cure, you can have a positive influence on peoples lives.

If people reject you, they're missing out on all the great things about being your friend. It's their loss.

Step 2: Have Standards

Now let's say you only have a limited amount of magical cures. 

You want to hand them out but not to anyone. You need to have standards. Will they make the most of their health?

Will they be a positive influence if they’re cured?

The same goes for meeting people.

You offer value but have limited attention. Choose wisely who you offer yourself to. You want to look for people who are as beneficial to you as you are to them. People helping you to become a better version of yourself.

You're trying to find out if the relationship can be a win-win.

To find these mutually beneficial relationships you need to develop standards.

Figure out what kind of people you want to surround yourself with. You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with. What kind of person makes you a better version of yourself and helps you reach your goals? 

List them out. 

Ex. 

• Is striving to improve

• Is health-conscious 

• Is goal driven 

• Is generous

• Is playful

• Is honest

• etc…

Few people will meet all your standards. 

Don’t get caught up trying to find the perfect people. Look for people who at least meet the most important attributes. You're not trying to become a people critic.

You're just qualifying the people you let into your life like you might qualify the food you let into your body.

Step 3: Qualify people

Start looking for people who meet your standards.

Go into interactions trying to figure out if this person is worth befriending. This has several benefits:

1. It makes you a better conversationalist because you become genuinely interested in them.

2. You're anxiety plummets because you're not worried about what they think of you.

3. You stop acting needy because you stop worrying about impressing them.

4. By acting like you have value people start to recognize it and become drawn to you.

It's the difference between going into a job interview to prove you’re a good fit for the company and trying to figure out if the company is a good fit for you. You know you can get a job elsewhere. You know you can make other friends.

You want to find out what makes this one special.

I know this sounds selfish. 

But having standards doesn’t mean being a pompous asshole judging everyone. The people who don’t meet your standards aren’t bad or of any less importance. Just because you drink orange juice instead of apple juice doesn’t make apple juice bad. It's just not what you’re looking for. 

That's ok, other people like apple juice.

What does this look like in practice?

It means asking qualifying questions to the people you meet.

• If fitness is important, ask: “What do you do to stay active?”

• If reading is important, ask “What book have you been reading?”

• If being goal-driven is important, ask “What are you working towards?”

I like to keep it open-ended by saying: “Tell me something cool about you”

If they can’t answer well, they might not be a good fit.

If you like their answer or enjoy your time with them, try to further the relationship by setting up plans. You know being in a relationship with you is a good thing. Offer your friendship like a prize for being a cool person.

If they say no, no problem, their loss.

P.S. I will be answering every reply to this email. If you have any questions just hit reply and ask away. I’d love to help you solve any social problems you have.