The quiet guys guide to navigating group conversations without getting talked over.

Group conversations feel like a whole other ball game, Literally

Going from a 1 on 1 conversation to a group conversation can feel like going from a friendly game of catch to a chaotic juggling of balls. You feel ok in normal conversations but you clam up with more people in the mix. You don’t know what to say or by the time you do, the conversation's moved on. You can’t find the right moment to speak up in the carpet bomb of voices and if you do, you end up getting talked over. 

By the end, you end up like the guy who's in the group chat but never says anything.

I used to avoid group conversations like spoilers from my favorite TV show. 

I’d excuse myself or scroll on my phone to avoid the feeling of exclusion. To solve my problem I started analyzing what people at the center of the groups did. I found group conversations weren't much different from the 1 on 1 conversations. 

All it required was a few tweaks.

Before I knew it I was the one at the center of the group.

Groups of people I’d never met listened to my every word without interrupting me. I once went up to a group of friends who’d known each other since high school, a group weary of outsiders. 

But by the end, they invited me to join them for drinks.

Here's the blueprint:

The 6-step blueprint to go from the sidelines to being included in a group conversation.

Step 1: Introduce yourself to the entire group.

If you want to get accepted by a group you’ve never met you need to make a strong entrance.

Too many people slip into groups like stowaways on a ship, and Like stowaways, they're soon cast out. You need to announce yourself to the whole group. Make your presence known.

Introduce yourself by saying: 

“Excuse me, I don’t want to interrupt but…”

• I don’t think I’ve met you guys I'm “name”

• You guys seemed cool so I wanted to meet you, I’m “name”

• Is this where cool people hang out?... great, I’m “name”

As soon as you have their attention shake the hands and get the names of everyone in the group. 

By addressing everyone individually you get the acknowledgment of everyone in the group. This is how you get accepted into the fold.

Step 2: Smoke out the leader.

The easiest way to get a group to accept you is to get the leader to accept you.

This is the conversational leader, not a literal leader. If you get on their good side the group’s favor will follow. Plus, as the one leading the conversation, they will keep you in the loop. You identify them by posing a question to the whole group. The person who responds first is usually the leader.

Some questions include:

• How do you guys know each other?

• Cold read: You guys seem close, you must be old friends.

• How are you guys finding the event/party?

• How do you guys know the host?

• Ask for advice: You guys seem like you get around. I’m always looking for fun stuff to do in (location). Does anyone have any suggestions?

Let your question run its course before moving your attention to the group leader.

Step 3: Address the leader, individually

By gaining favor with the group leader the favor of the group tends to follow.

Ask them to get to know their questions/make cold reads.

• “Name” I don’t know a lot about you, tell me something cool about you.

• You seem athletic, you must play some sport.

• You seem creative you must be artistic.

• etc…

After a short conversation, you can do the same with other group members.

Read “📢 Never run out of things to say ever again” if you struggle to keep the conversation going.

Step 4: Be from Broadway, not Hollywood.

The speaker in a group will usually address the best listener.

Being talked to by the speaker makes it easy for you to add to the group conversation. The person on the outskirts of the group is the one no one is addressing.

To avoid losing touch, show the speaker you're listening.

But as they speak their attention is split and they stop picking up on your subtle cues.

Hollywood actors have the luxury of subtlety. With a close-up shot, they can communicate their performance through subtle performance. But, Broadway actors need to communicate their performance to people on the balcony.

Their performances needs to be obvious if they want the audience to pick up on it.

To show the person talking in a group you are listening, subtle cues aren’t enough.

Eye contact alone isn’t enough to show you are listening. A chuckle isn’t enough to show you appreciate their joke. 

Instead:

• Nod when people make a point.

• Laugh out loud at their jokes.

• Look surprised at surprising moments.

• Make verbal signs you are listening (“mm hmm” “ya ya ya” “right right”)

When the speaker sees how much you are listening they will be inclined to address you. 

My laser-focused attention on a guy's words turned his attention to me as he spoke. Soon the two of us became the center of the group conversation.

Step 5: Find the Seam

Now a member of the group, conversation can get chaotic.

With everyone looking to share their 2-cents, it's difficult to find your opening and say what you want to say. 

You need to be on the lookout for openings in the conversations you can thread your idea through. These are usually as someone is finishing a thought. To claim your moment you need to make it clear to everyone in the group you're the one doing the talking. 

Try speaking with a voice 1 level higher than the groups. As introverts, you tend to speak softer than you think you are. What sounds loud to you is the right volume in a group. You can also bring up your hand as you speak as a visual indicatory you are the one talking. 

This is especially true in a big group where you might get drowned out.

Step 6: Don’t get bulldozed

Sometimes people people will try to interrupt you as you are speaking.

In these moments continue talking until you're finished your point. Address everyone still listening despite the interruption. Often, this is enough to make the interrupter back down. They recognize you’re not going to just roll over and they let you finish.

When in doubt just keep talking.

If they continue to bulldoze through you, stop talking, and address them firmly saying: 

“I’d love to hear your thoughts but I’d like to finish mine first”. 

By making it clear they can’t get away with interrupting you, they stop trying.

You might be afraid of people disliking you if you do this. Some will, but people worth your time will respect how you stand up for yourself. The more I address interruptions like this, the less I get interrupted.

Sometimes people even come up to me and apologize after.

P.S. I'm thinking of hosting a live Q&A where you can ask me any questions you want. Would that be something you are interested in? Respond "yes" to this email if that interests you.