The biggest (but little-known) reason people disagree with you and how to have fewer arguments.

‘No, I’m not!’ he replied.

When I called him ‘charismatic,’ my friend was quick to disagree. At first, I thought he just had low self-esteem. I assured him he was charismatic. Now he looked offended.

From the look on his face, you’d think I’d called him a slur.

We continued to butt heads, each insisting the other was wrong

I was getting frustrated I was trying to compliment him. I asked what he thought charisma was. He described charisma as being manipulative like a sleazy car salesman.

It all made sense now. To me charismatic meant being good with people. But to him, it was an insult. By my definition, we could both agree. All along we agreed about his character.

The real disagreement was about the definition of charisma. 

Most disagreements boil down to different definitions of the same word.

It's the source of a lot of conflict.

• Someone says “You're late!” but does “on time” mean at the scheduled time or 10 min before?

• Someone says “This is important” and becomes angry with how you act in response. To them “important” means “drop everything and do it now” but to you it means “Do it when you have the time”.

• Someone says “You're not listening”. To them, listening means receiving validation but to you, it means being quiet.

• “Someone says, “I thought you forgave me”. To them, forgiveness includes forgetting but not for you.

• Someone says “You lied to me,” but you disagree. You left out what you thought was an unimportant detail but for them, it feels like you misled them.

And many many more…

Unclear communication fuels most interpersonal conflict.

If you aren’t using the same definition for a word, you may as well be speaking different languages. Take scientific papers. They dedicate their first section to defining key terms. This way everyone reading is on the same wavelength.

Having clear definitions of words in a relationship decreases conflict.

It ensures you know what the other person is getting at.

The next time you’re in a disagreement ask yourself if this is a disagreement on a subject or definition.

Make a habit of clarifying what people say when they use terms up to interpretation.

“When you say clean the kitchen do you mean make it spotless or tidy it up?”

“What do you mean when you say you feel like I’m unsupportive?

Now you can start solving real-world problems instead of running in circles fighting over definitions.

If you want to become more charismatic here is the first step:

• 📢 The biggest wall between you and charisma

P.S. If you want to see some top-tier miscommunication check this out