The Subtle Art of Loud Listening: How to charm people without saying anything.

It's cliche but it's true

Being a good listener is the most powerful tool in your conversational arsenal. It's the secret weapon master communicators cultivate. Everyone is looking for the one line, the cheap trick to make their problems go away. There is no such thing.

All the strategies I share are useless if you can't LISTEN.

People think focusing on what they will say next will help them:

• Dodge embarrassment.

• Avoid awkward silences. 

• Sound impressive.

But in reality, it’s social suicide.

You become too busy talking to yourself in your head to hold a genuine conversation. If you've ever had two people talking to you at once you know it's unsustainable. The other person ends up feeling ignored.

Learn to tame your inner dialogue and focus on the person in front of you.

The "next best thing" to say is a treasure buried in the other person's words. 

You won’t find it scanning the horizon of your mind. You need to be paying attention to them to uncover it. In this moment, nothing else matters but the person in front of you.

People need attention as much as they need food and water.

For instance:

One of the most tragic and inspiring stories to come of the 9/11 attacks was Tania Head's.

She recalls being in the south tower on the same floor the plane hit.

In the ensuing carnage, a dying man asks Tania to give his wedding ring to his wife. She was then saved by the "man in the red bandana" a legend who lost his life rescuing others. She woke up 6 days later in the hospital, only to discover her fiancé died in the attack.

Her story struck a chord with the mourning nation. She became the face of the 9/11 survivors' movement. She spoke on news stations and was even given a tour of ground zero by the mayor of New York.

One small problem.

None of it was true. It was a fabricated fantasy conjured up by an attention-seeking liar. Tania wasn't in the tower at the time of the attack, she wasn't even in the US. Tania Heads wasn't even her real name.

Her need for attention was so strong she was willing to live a lie to get it.

Most people don't go to such lengths, but the same desire to be heard is in us all.

People desperately want to be listened to. It makes them feel important, it makes them feel good about themselves.

If you can make others feel good about themselves, they will feel good about you.

The Loud Listening Blueprint: Actionable steps to doing nothing.

The act of listening is hard to act on.

Being told to "listen better!" sounds like being told to "Wait faster!". It feels like the only action you can take is inaction. But just sitting there and being quiet isn’t listening.

How do we listen?

Here are some actionable steps you can use to become a loud listener:

1. Tame your restless inner dialogue

Make the effort to focus only on the other person.

As you feel your mind wandering acknowledge it and dial back onto the other person. Like calming your mind in meditation it takes practice and effort.

But you can do things to minimize distractions and maximize your focus.

2. Make visual signs you’re listening.

If you act like you are listening you're more likely to listen.

The biggest thing you can do is to keep your eyes on the other person as they are talking. Most people are in the habit of looking around as the other person is talking.

You think it goes under the radar but people notice you’re lack of interest.

Keep your eyes on them as they're talking.

Other ways include:

• Facing them with your whole body.

• Occasionally Nodding as they are talking.

I remember someone facing me and enthusiastically nodding to my words and how it made me feel special. After a single interaction, I liked the person a lot more.

3. Show them you prioritize what they say.

When something tries to compete with your attention, make a point of putting it off for later. People will appreciate you for this.

• If you get a text notification, don’t even bring it out of your pocket.

• Take headphones or earbuds off your head.

• If your phone rings in conversation, bring it out and hang up. (Obviously, there are exceptions but 99% of the time, it can wait)

You'll insult more people prioritizing your phone than you will ignoring phone calls and texts for a short time.

I’ve had people sincerely thank me for prioritizing them over my phone.

The same goes for 3rd parties. Say someone calls out to you or comes up to you as you're in conversation. You can gain a lot of favor by asking the 3rd party to give you a moment to finish your conversation.

There are dozens of other ways your conversation might be interrupted.

As a rule, prioritize the person in front of you. It will pay dividends in your future relationships and friendships.

4. Summarize what they tell you.

This is powerful.

The only thing people love more than talking about themselves is hearing about themselves. After someone shares something about their character make it a habit of echoing what they said in your own words.

Example:

It doesn’t have to be a super smart summary, a short sentence to show you we’re listening is enough.

Good listening comes down to:

• Being interested in the other person.

• Focusing on what they are saying instead of what you will say.

• Showing you're listening with visual and verbal cues.

P.S. Thank you to everyone who signed up for a social strategy call with me. I learned as much from you as I hope you learned from me. But I still want to learn more!

I’m opening 3 more slots for a FREE 30-minute Social Strategy Call where I help you create a personalized action plan to overcome your social problems. (On the condition that I promise not to try and sell you anything).

If you haven’t already click on the link and sign up. I genuinely just want to learn how I can help.