How to be respected, taken seriously, and never talked over again. 

Introverts struggle to gain respect.

Our quiet tendencies get us labeled as the “quiet guy” and looked over. When we do speak, we’re interrupted or ignored. 

People don’t take us seriously.

I struggled to gain respect.

I thought if I kept being nice and avoided conflict I'd gain some respect over time. People liked me but few respected me. The people I'd been nice to still interrupted and ignored me.

I felt used and disrespected.

Later I'd learn respect has nothing to do with likability.

Let me show you what I mean:

What WW1’s Deadliest Pilot can Teach us About Respect.

The deadliest pilot in WW1 was the German Manfred von Richthofen aka “The Red Baron”.

The only thing more interesting than his life was the events surrounding his death.

In his time in the sky, Manfred von Richthofen became legendary for his contributions to the art of ariel combat. 

He shot down 80 Aircraft in 20 months of combat (21 planes in April 1917 alone). But he could’ve shot down a lot more. Yet he refused to fire on defenseless or wounded opponents.

He found with skills and honor. 

Even his enemies recognized this.

For his dedication and honorable fighting he gained the respect of his comrades and his enemies. It was British pilots who gave him his title “The Red Baron” because of his recognizable red plane.

He became a legend among friends and foes alike.

This all came to a head on April 21, 1918, when the Allies shot down and killed the Red Baron in the skies over France.

To the Allies, this was an enemy soldier who'd shot down 80 of their planes and killed 16 of their comrades. Fellow soldiers and friends. 

You'd think they'd dance on his corpse.

But the allied forces didn't celebrate the death of their greatest foe. 

Instead, they retrieved his body and buried him with full military honors. He was given a better funeral than many of their own men. The Soldiers at his funeral would have been friends with the people he killed. But the Red Baron had their respect.

Why?

Because respect isn’t earned through shared goals or likability but through shared values. The allies shared the Baron's value for skilled and honorable combat. 

Enough to overlook their relationship as enemies.

You gain respect through shared values. 

To gain respect you need to show people you share their values. A value is anything you care about. 

Common values include:

• Hard work

• Family

• Health

• Oneself

People who value work over family respect working moms more. People who value family over work respect stay-at-home moms more. 

The stronger the shared value, the more respect you earn. 

Speaking up for yourself gains respect because they recognize you respect yourself.

If you feel disrespected it means you aren’t demonstrating your values to others. Being nice doesn’t get you any respect if it means you become a pushover. People aren’t going to respect you if you have no self-respect. Respecting yourself means speaking up when you disagree with something. It means defending yourself when people interrupt or disrespect you.

By upholding your values you gain respect. 

How to gain respect when you first meet someone.

Being liked doesn’t mean being respected.

Being funny and attentive will make people like you but it won’t make them respect you. It's the difference between people wanting to be around you and wanting to get to know you. 

It's the difference between being entertaining and admirable.

Finding ways of showing your values can get tricky.

Saving an orphan from a burning building will get you a lot of respect. But burning orphanages aren't around every corner. Nor should you wish for bad things to happen for a chance to show off your values.

How do you gain respect from someone you're just talking to?

The best way is to show your values through how you talk about yourself. 

Take the common questions “What do you do?” and “Where are you from?”

Don’t answer with only the facts.

• I’m a nurse working at XYZ hospital

• I live in Toronto 

This answer kills conversion. Unless the person has the same job or is from the same place, there is nothing to create a connection.

Instead, gain respect with value-packed answers.

If you value family you could answer:

• I’m an accountant at XYZ company which has been great because they let me work from home and spend time with my kids.

• We moved out of the city to a country house outside Washington because we thought it was a better place to raise the family. 

Or if value hard work/career advancement:

• I’m a construction worker at the moment but I’m hoping to get promoted this year and manage a team.

• I used to live in XYZ small town but I’ve moved into the city to start my own business. 

Show your values by sharing what you’ve done or what you want to do.

I’m not suggesting you start bragging about yourself. 

Don’t flash your accomplishments in their face saying “I won this prize” or “I bought this car”. It only makes you look egotistical. No one likes a guy who's full of himself.

Rather show the sacrifices you're making to pursue what is important to you. 

This might sound cheesy but I promise you people appreciate this level of honesty.

More people will connect with you through your values than the facts about you. By sharing your values you attract people sharing the same values.

Even if they can't relate, people will respect you more if they understand what’s important to you.

The courage to be disliked

By being honest about your values you’ll garner a lot of respect.

You’ll also become disliked by people with opposing values. That's ok, your goal shouldn't be to make everyone like and respect you. Only those worthy of your respect. Though you will start to repel some people by being honest, you’ll also attract a lot of people

The strongest magnets are the strongest repellents.

If you struggle to find the confidence to speak up you’ll find this helpful, click to read this article: 📢 How to be confident without being fake

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