4 swords to slay your social anxiety (as an introvert) and finally stop letting the fear of rejection get in the way of what you want.

I wouldn’t be far off to say I used to be a cripple.

Though my body functioned fine, my social anxiety was like a high-powered explosive blowing off the arms and legs of my ability to act. It stuffed my mutilated mind into the trunk of a broken-down car, took the wheel, and drove me wherever it pleased.

My life wasn’t my own.

My anxiety completely defined me.

• I chose a degree I thought my parents would approve of.

• I lacked the courage to apply for a job.

• I didn’t dare ask out a girl.

• I didn’t ever ask a friend to hang out, opting to wait for others to invite me.

Heck, I was worried about what other faceless drivers thought of my driving as I drove.

There was not a single part of my life where social anxiety didn’t have its cold clammy hands gripped around me.

But after years of studying human psychology, intensive therapy, and pushing myself out of my comfort zone, I discovered 4 powerful principles I’ve used as swords to slay most of my social anxiety. 

It's hard to describe how much these shifts in thinking have changed my life.

Remember first getting your license? Suddenly the world opens up to you because you can go places without needing your parents. Remember how freeing it felt? Now you can’t even imagine life without it.

It's like that but 10X more freeing.

I hope these principles are as transformative for you as they are for me.

Sword #1: They’re not thinking about you.

In the 2015 movie “Demolition” an investment banker, freed from the chains of his past life, dances in the busy streets of New York.

And he doesn’t just nod his dead to a beat or shuffle a bit. He goes wild, twirling, jumping, swinging around polls, and sliding down the railing. The best part? They actually film this in public. None of the people around him were actors or paid extras. He really did dance like an idiot out on the street. 

Do you know how people reacted? Most people ignored him, some glanced his way, gave him a weird look, or maybe chuckled to themselves. But everyone, I mean EVERYONE just kept walking. 

NOBODY cared.

See for yourself and watch this clip.

Maybe you think they were like this because a camera was filming.

Trust me, they weren’t because I tried the same thing myself. I danced like an idiot AND sang at the top of my lungs down a busy street. Everyone just kept walking.

People are like goldfish. Five min after you embarrass yourself, they forget all about it.

Everyone just kept walking.

We think everyone has their eyes on us and is thinking about us, this is the Spotlight effect.

But everyone is too busy worrying about what others think of them to be thinking about you. They have too many of their own problems to worry about to give you a second thought.

That’s a good thing.

It means you can do what you want without worrying about what others think. 

Because they aren’t thinking about you at all.

Sword #2: If they are thinking about you, they like you more than you think.

My self-talk was worse than politics at the Thanksgiving table.

I would always walk away from interactions assuming the other person didn’t like me. Even when they were incredibly friendly I assumed they were just being polite.

But here is the thing.

In a study, participants were paired up and prompted to talk to each other.

After the talk, each person rated how much they liked the other person and how much they thought the other person liked them. The results were staggering.

Both extroverts, but especially introverts, underestimate how much the other person likes them.

This makes sense when you think about it.

People aren’t going out looking to make enemies. People are more willing to meet up again than you assume. People are more willing to help you out than you assume. 

As I’ve put this principle to the test I’m always surprised by how willing people are to meet me, get together, or help me out.

People like you more than you think they do.

Sword #3: If they hate you, it's a sign others will love you.

As a pastor, my Dad gets a lot of hate.

He gets hecklers in his audience and regular hate mail urging him to resign. I asked him if it bothered him. What he said stuck with me.

“What kind of pastor doesn’t get hate mail?”

The answer: A pastor with nothing of significance to say.

What makes people hate you, is what makes others love you. 

Think of your favorite speaker, politician, or celebrity. All of them have haters because anything worth saying will receive opposition. If there is no opposition then it doesn’t need to be said, does it?

The only way to be liked by everyone is to be loved by no one.

I used to obsess over making everyone like me.

I tried to hide my struggles, cover up my flaws, and lie to make people think I was perfect. I portrayed such a smooth exterior there was nothing for anyone to stick to. 

In the words of Dr. Robert Glover: “People are attracted to each other's rough edges.”

What makes you fall in love with a movie character are his relatable flaws and struggles. By being honest about your pains and hardships you attract people who can relate. Some will be repelled by your honesty but the people worth getting to know will be attracted to you.

The strongest magnets are the strongest repellents.

Next time someone doesn’t like you for being honest, take it as a sign others will love you for it.

Sword #4: In the end, what they think won’t matter.

You're making it a way bigger deal than it is.

Whatever it is you're too afraid to do: approach the girl, ask for the raise, or start the business. In the end, it won't matter. Three generations from now, no one will even remember your name. You’re one of billions of humans on a tiny rock in the corner of the galaxy. The career path you choose doesn’t matter.

Do what you want to do and don’t worry about it.

But it's hard to think of the big picture, so let's scale back.

I remember the sweat beading on my forehead as I was about to give my presentation.

But I managed to finish. I wouldn’t say it went well, but I woke up the next day and forgot all about it, including the worrying. It was only in retrospect I realized I had nothing to worry about.

Even if you get rejected, ridiculed, and suffer a huge embarrassment. You won’t be worrying about it 10 years after the fact or 1 year after the fact. Most of the time you won’t worry about it 1 hour after the fact. 

If you're not going to worry about it after, why worry about it now?

Make your future perspective your present perspective and shortcut your anxiety.

The TL;DR

• Remember they aren’t thinking about you, they're too busy thinking about themselves.

• If they do think of you, they like you more than you think.

• If they hate you, take it as a sign others will love you.

• In the end, it won’t matter. You’re not going to worry about it after the fact, take the shortcut and stop worrying about it now.

P.S. Tell me which of the 4 principals you find most helpful and I’ll expand on it in the future. Hit reply and type 1, 2, 3, or 4.