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- 📢How to make friends like Queen Victoria
Queen Victoria and Abdul Karim had nothing in common.
Yet, the two became best friends in the last decade of the queen's life.
Abdul was sent from India to present a ceremonial gift. He was a lowly servant, she was the most powerful woman in the world. They had different religions, statuses, cultures, ages, genders, and races.
How can people with almost nothing in common form such a strong bond?
The science of closeness:
Psychologists got pairs of strangers to ask each other progressively deeper questions.
They ranged from shallow (“When did you last sing to yourself?”) to profound (“If you were to die right now, what would you most regret not having told someone.”)
Afterward, participants went their separate ways. But following up with everyone 7 weeks later:
57% of them had sought out their conversational partner.
35% had gotten together to socialize
One pair even got married. (The psychologists went to the wedding)
The strongest bonding agent between people isn't similar interests or shared beliefs. It's a mutual disclosure of feelings.
Despite their differences, Victoria and Abdul connected by sharing their vulnerabilities.
Abdul shared his love of Indian culture and his own struggles with being away from family. Victoria in turn shared her feelings about family tensions, the loss of her husband, and even her physical ailments.
Their mutual disclosure broke past their individual differences.
Picture of Queen Victoria and Abdul Karim
*You can check out the questions used in the study Here. Try it with a partner.
But these questions are not made for everyday conversation. Asking a stranger “When did you last cry in front of another person?” is a sure way to be left alone.
What kind of questions do we ask?
The best way I know is to follow up factual questions (what do you do?) with deeper emotional questions (What inspired you to do that?)
Here are some of my favorites:
Shallow questions can become deep:
What do you do for a living? → Have you ever dreamed of doing something else?
Where are you from? → What do you miss about where you grew up?
Where did you go to high school? → What advice would you give a high schooler?
Where did you go to school? → What was the best part of college?
Try to learn about a person's motivations, values, and how they changed.
If you don’t know what to ask, just ask Why. “Why” questions dig at a person's true character.
But remember, a connection is only formed if the emotional disclosure is reciprocal. If someone shares you need to share as well.
If the idea of opening up scares you, check out this article:
Action Step:
Ask an emotional follow-up question.
Make your own or choose one from the list above. When you could ask it. Put a reminder on your phone to ask the question. It will feel odd at first but trust me people like it.
That’s a wrap!
See you next Friday,
— Justus Bosch
Before you go:
P.S. I'm still running the $100 Amazon gift card giveaway. To enter, you just have to review this newsletter honestly. But only the first 20 reviews will be entered to win, so act fast: Leave a review here
P.P.S Sometimes I have trouble not asking deep questions. I almost really messed up