Being Nice is a Terrible Idea unless you want to Die Alone. Try this instead.

What's the problem with being nice?

Being nice is doing what you think will make other people like you. It means never defending your beliefs because it's not nice to say someone is wrong. You never say no because it's not nice to set boundaries. You hide your flaws and mistakes because they reveal how un-nice you can be.

Always being nice, means being dishonest.

Instead, you should: BE YOURSELF!

Hurl, eww. Just saying it makes me sick. It is so cliche and overused it's lost all power. I never tell people to be themselves.

Instead of being nice, you need to be HONEST with others about who you are. Being honest is more than just not lying. Most of our lies are an attempt to preserve a false version of ourselves.

• Covering up your mistakes hides who you are.

• Hiding your flaws is presenting a false version of yourself.

• Underplaying your mess-ups portrays a distorted version of yourself.

• Staying quiet about your honest opinion depicts a false version of yourself.

• Exaggerating your accomplishments portrays a distorted version of yourself.

• Saying you agree with something you disagree with is lying about who you are.

Being your honest self means sharing the truthful version of who you are, what you believe, and what you’ve done. Whenever you hide, ignore, underplay, exaggerate, lie about, or tell partial truths about yourself, you are putting on an act.

Why are we such good actors?

Why do we hide our honest selves?

Because we think we are unlovable as we are.

We think if people saw all our faults, mistakes and real opinions they wouldn’t love us. To be accepted, we change into what we think others want us to be.

We fail to see any other way to get the love we want.

In men, this usually starts in childhood.

It starts with an abandonment experience as a boy with one or more of his parents failing to meet his needs in some way. Children are born ego-centric, they think everything happening to them is their fault. They believe they were abandoned because they weren’t good enough as they were.

To avoid more abandonment, they start acting how they think others want them to act.

This behaviour can continue throughout someone’s life. 

Growing up I was your typical “nice guy”, “the goody two shoe”, or “the teacher's pet”. The reason was my mom was depressed when I was young. Being an ego-centric kid meant I thought she was always sad because of me. In response, I tried to look like a perfect kid. Maybe then my mom would be happy. 

The same approval-seeking behaviour seeped into all my relationships. 

I did everything I could to look like a perfect person.

I hid my mistakes, underplayed my flaws, never disagreed with anyone, and avoided conflict at all costs. I tried to cover up anything I thought people would dislike about me. I was a pushover, never defending my beliefs. I became a shell of a guy with no real substance.

In the end, people liked me, but no one loved me.

Having a perfectly smooth exterior means there's nothing for anyone to stick to.

In the words of Robert Glover, author of “No More Mr Nice Guy” (my favourite men's mental health book)

Being honest about your imperfections attracts people to you.

Think of your favourite movie character. You don’t love them because they're flawless. If they were perfect you wouldn’t like them nearly as much. Their flaw, mistakes and peculiarities are what make them relatable.

The same goes for you.

Don’t get me wrong, being honest won’t make everyone love you.

Being honest means some people will disagree with you and even dislike you. That’s ok. If you want to attract people into your life you need to be willing to push some away. The most adored people in history we’re also the most despised. Martin Luther King Jr was adored by thousands but equally hated by those opposing him. Being hated is the cost of being loved.

The strongest magnets are the strongest repellents.

Why being hated can be a good thing. 

As a pastor, my dad sometimes gets hate mail from people who disagree with him.

I asked if this bothered him. He asked me: “What kind of pastor doesn’t get hate mail?” I thought for a second. “One that doesn’t stand for anything”

My dad took the hate mail as a sign he was saying something worth saying. 

Anything worth sharing will receive pushback, Including you. Some people will hate you for being different or because you disagree with them. Take it as a sign you’re someone others will love. At the same time, if most people are indifferent to you, you might not be vocal enough about your beliefs.

I’m not saying becoming a jerk who disregards other people's feelings. There are good and bad ways of opposing people. If someone hates you, first examine your actions for faults you should apologize for. If you can't, then the person's hatred is the consequence of honesty.

Being honest also attracts amazing people into your life.

For instance, I like Dungeons and Dragons (a nerdy board game).

For a long time, I told no one about my interest unless I knew they shared it. I thought if people knew I played D&D they would dislike me. But as I practiced being honest I started to open up about my passion. 

Guess what?

Most people were indifferent, they had too much to worry about to give me a second thought. 

(If you want to learn just how indifferent people can be read this: 📢Here's what everyone actually thinks about you.)

But I also got the chance to find people sharing my passion. Turns out they hid their interest in the game for the same reason. It allowed me to find people to play D&D with and form lasting friendships. 

But some people did judge me. They labelled me as weird and wrote me off. That’s ok. I don’t want to be friends with people discriminating against those different from them. Their loss. If I had hidden my interest I could have avoided judgement. I also would have never made my existing friends.

Being honest attracts friends and filters out people you shouldn’t waste your time with. 

Dungeons and Dragons is only an example.

But we are all playing different “games” in life. You need to be honest about the “game” you are playing if you want to find people who will play with you. Otherwise, you’ll be stuck playing games you hate for the rest of your life.

Be honest about your religious beliefs, unpopular opinions and strange passions if you want any chance of finding like-minded people. Share your mistakes and flaws if you want to connect with people on a deeper level. 

You might make enemies along the way.

But being nice is a sure way of dying alone.

P.S. After learning about the problem with being nice a lot of guys swing the other way and turn into jerks in the name of honesty. This isn’t the solution. Being honest doesn’t mean being hurtful, it means living in a way that aligns with your values.