How to give more devastating compliments that make friends who are excited to see you again.

As I waded through the crowd my eyes caught sight of a woman across the room.

She had beautiful silver hair, a magnificent green dress, and jewelry to match it. It was obvious she had put effort into her appearance. Without much thought, I walked over and said “Ma'am I just want to say I think you look beautiful today”. I began to walk away because it was all I wanted to say but she grabbed my arm and asked me my name. "Justus", I said.

“Justus, thank you so much, nowadays I don’t get compliments on my looks. You made my day”

The woman looked to be 50 years my senior.

No, I’m not a gold digger. I just like giving compliments to people I think deserve them. It’s kinda my new hobby. I’ll give compliments to people I pass on the street, on the bus, in line, etc… Old, young, man, woman it doesn’t matter. But I particularly enjoy complimenting elderly women because their reactions are often priceless. 

If I like something about someone I say it, if I appreciate something I tell them what I appreciate.

The results have been amazing.

I’ve lost count of how often people have said “You’ve made my day”. People made an effort to talk to me after I complimented them in passing. People started to look excited to see me again. The best part? Giving a compliment makes me feel just as good as the person giving it. If I’m in a bad mood, going out and complimenting someone immediately lifts my spirits. 

A compliment is a free gift that makes the other person and yourself happy.

Why don’t more people give compliments?

But most people hold back their compliments.

They're worried about coming off as weird or insincere flattery. But as long as it's genuine it’s hard to go wrong with a complement.

Erica Boothby and Vanessa Bohn at Cornell University drilled down into the biases stopping us from giving compliments.

They got a group of participants and asked each to compliment a stranger on campus. But before going out they were asked to estimate how pleased the other person would feel on a scale. After they gave a compliment the receiver was asked to report how the compliment made them feel on the same scale.

The compliment givers consistently underestimate how much the other person enjoyed the compliment.

The compliment giver thought the interaction would be awkward. But in truth, almost everyone loved the compliment and felt zero discomfort.

This means most of your worries associated with giving the compliment are false. 

It's like trying to give someone a hundred-dollar bill. No one is going to throw it back in your face (if they do it’s their loss)

Remember the last time you got a genuine compliment? 

Remember how it made you feel. Some compliments people treasure for years. Have you ever hated receiving a genuine compliment? Of course not, neither do other people.

Can compliments run dry?

Giving a compliment is a good idea.

But can you take compliments too far?

After all, too much sugar ruins a recipe. You’d think frequent compliments lower their effectiveness. But researchers Nicholas Eplye and Xuan Zhao show this is less likely to happen than you think.

They took pairs of people and got one person to compliment the other multiple times a week. After each compliment, the receiver indicated how the compliment made them feel. 

Their pleasure did not decrease significantly.

Another thing to note is the receiver knew their partner was complimenting them as part of a study. But as long as they were genuine the receiver still enjoyed them.

This is unusual psychological behavior.

Usually repeated exposure to stimuli decreases satisfaction. Things like drugs, rollercoasters, or buying new things become less exciting the more you get.

This is because appreciation is a fundamental human need, like food and sleep.

No matter how much you eat, you will get hungry again. Appreciation is the same way. By giving compliments you help people satiate their social hunger. A study on runaway wives reveals the #1 reason they left their husbands was a lack of appreciation. If you give people appreciation they will love you for it, the more the better.

This means you can keep giving compliments to the same person without it losing its effectiveness.

The line between friend-making compliments and isolating flattery.

The big red flashing lights asterisk is the compliments need to be genuine. 

Your compliments need to be something you truly believe and you need to give them without expecting anything in return. Not in return for another compliment, a friendship, a date, a promotion, nothing. Your only motivation needs to be making the other person happy.

Guess what? When you make other people happy it makes you happy.

The best person at giving compliments I’ve seen is Troy Hawks. He's a comedian who goes out onto the streets and gives creative compliments. I always exit his videos with a smile (I’ve even stolen some of his creative compliments).

Don’t be stingy with your compliments.

Give them even if you only like something a little bit.

Next time you notice a girl has matched their shoes to her shirt tell her you like the attention to detail. The next time you think a guy's beard is well-trimmed, say so. The next time you see someone put genuine effort into something commend their hard work. The next a friend helps you out, tell them how much you appreciate them.

Heck, tell them you appreciate them for just being them. Nothing crazy needs to happen for you to give a compliment.

In the words of Dale Carnegie “Be ‘hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise”

P.S. One of the best ways I overcame my social anxiety was to start complimenting people I’d come across on the street. Just a simple “I like your shoes is enough”. You realize the world is a lot friendlier than you think.